mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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