I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
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So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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