This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
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Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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