Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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