you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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