stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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