cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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