we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
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they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
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I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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