I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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