If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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