Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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