My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
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Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
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Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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