I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
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Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
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I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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