btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize