Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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