My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
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i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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