That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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