Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
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this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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