if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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