I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
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He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
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I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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