I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
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Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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