I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize