Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
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I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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