you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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