just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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