meet me or not, i'm out of control
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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