Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
tell your sister to shave her snatch
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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