remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
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vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
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So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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