So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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