so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
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You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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