After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
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Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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