Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
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They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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