i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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