watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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