Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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