remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
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She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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