Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
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I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
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Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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