If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
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I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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