I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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