dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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