I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
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Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
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She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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