oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
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Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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