You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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