i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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