Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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