you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
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Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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