Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
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If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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