you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
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Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
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Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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