the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
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Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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