If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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